Posts

It'll Humble You

Image
Life bends in a way to make you break your rigid mold. It forces you to fold. All your cards on the table for everyone to see.  Sometimes that humbling fold distorts you beyond recognition just so that you have no choice but to build again into a sturdier version of you.      I say that because I was engaged to a quality fella I had been with for 6 years. 2 years long distance but when my dad passed. Life became too real. Too precious to waste. Too real to just exist in. You evaluate your life in a way that forces you to really decide what you stand for.       Then Peter came into my life. I told him and I still tell him everyday when he walked into my life I felt like I had just been woken from an endless dream. Not a bad dream, just a hazy fog of being. I had been conditioned to believe that at best you find a partner in life that you work well with. Boy, was I wrong. I had muddied my way through trying to match my expectations of love with the realities of life.       Most people d
Post a Comment
Read more

Tresspass in Temptation and Suffer in Sacrifice

 It’s been years! It’s been lifetimes. As I’ve grown in age I’ve learned that my world view has become sort of a kaleidoscope. Gradually, slowly changing shape yet suddenly entirely new. Yet it’s all still the same colors shifting and rearranging offering new light, new interest, renewed regard for what’s always been in front of me. A gradual rearrangement yielding new impression. A different vantage point offering new perspective and each vantage point adding to the overall landscape. Evoking a sense of understanding and knowing if only for the fact that I can appraise the entirety of it all to a degree I hasn’t been aware of before.  I started my nursing career at the beginning of a global pandemic. I graduated December 2019, became board certified January 2020, started working in a hospital February 2020 and March 2020 all hell broke loose. I feel I’ve grown light years since becoming a nurse, experiencing others trauma, others loss and truly TRUELY understanding the fragility of li
Post a Comment
Read more

Out of sorts

I’m currently reading The Bright Hour a memoir about the great great great granddaughter of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s journey through terminal cancer breast cancer. She’s a mother of two young boys and her own mother also has terminal myeloma. I got to the cremation portion of the novel and bawled my eyes out but I don’t think it’s just the novel I think it’s everything going on in my life. I moved to Boise Idaho this summer to start a RN program and started my rotation of clinicals as well as work at the regional hospital. Having been a student nurse at a long term care facility I’ve gotten a chance to care for people who can’t care for themselves and so memiors like the one I’m reading are more to me now than ever. I see people struggling with illnesses fairly frequently. Being home for the holidays made me appreciative but also made me come to terms with my dad’s health. He’s got end stage renal disease and does home dialysis so I helped tidy up his area where her does 10 hrs of dia
Post a Comment
Read more

It takes a lot to love

Love the one you're with-- it's as simple and as difficult as that. I've done my research. I've been trying my best to make sure I don't mess this up. Make sure  I don't let this get messed up. Just make sure I don't, as I always do set in motion the events that would lead to the down fall of one of the best relationships I've had in my life. He's not perfect trust me he drives me insane sometimes but I respect him. I understand him and for these reasons I love him. It's very hard to understand that sometimes in life making it last means letting go of constantly trying to make it "perfect" and just being part of it all. I think once you start trying to understand why you're drawn to a certain person you lose the essence of magic that makes life as beautiful as it is. That attraction, that magic is so precious we want to hold on so dearly to it because we KNOW it's real. It's real and we want it with us always. When th
Post a Comment
Read more

I had to kiss a lot of frogs

Before I met my guy. Recently my second eldest brother has been having a lot of marital issues. He has a little daughter that is 3 named Isabel and has been with his wife for 10 years. I love Izzy very much as she's the youngest of all 6 of my nieces and nephews. I was talking to my mom about the bad lucky my brother has had in love. My mom says my brother has always been the forgiving type and although he has a tough exterior he really has a big heart.  Growing up we fought like cats and dogs and I will admit it was a source of enjoyment to pester him while he was playing video games. That's probably translated into one of my annoying traits in adulthood I'm almost certain. My eldest sister also had a rough patch as well until she met her husband, before she was a single mother of two and probably dated guys worse than I have. She probably loved a little harder than me because she didn't have an older sister she witnessed having her heart broken like I did to scare
Post a Comment
Read more

How to love

I came to the conclusion real love is only for a few The few that recognize their faults and can accept themselves as they are, because without that singular skill  how can you expect to love another equally flawed to perfection person? Love isn't for the ones that cant accept life in its all its nitty gritty glory. What makes it 1000x's harder is you need to find another person with this skill to make it right-- to make it last--and to make it enjoyable. That being said, the hardest part is the accepting bit .
Post a Comment
Read more

Don't Adapt!

I've currently been pondering ideas surrounding the longevity of relationships. I realize being in a relationship is just as hard as being single. One you have to care about another persons feelings, wants, and expectations the other you have way too much time to think about your own feelings, wants and expectations! I came to the conclusion, as I usually do, that people are just inclined to adapt to their environments which is beneficial in so many ways but I've keyed into an aspect where its actually a disadvantage. When you first start a relationship you're enthralled, elated, and over joyed you found someone who just gets you (If their the right one). You as a couple blend effortlessly and you're just so glad to finally find someone who works well with you. You've found your long lost other. The Dr.Kirk to your Spock (have emotion!) The Desi to your Lucy (pre-divorce)! The Lewis to your Clark -- the missing sock in your laundry basket!  The give to all your
Post a Comment
Read more